Sometimes it seems like the finer things in life are in someone else’s life.
And we didn't get kicked off the course.
Put on my game face today and now I reek like elk carcass.
Going into the hot tub with my wife. It’s a talk-quality-family-time trap but at least it has bubbles.
Let’s be real, not all babies are beautiful. But every single sleeping baby is beautiful. – Butch Jackson
All my short films are three acts. Fade in. Fuck around. Roll credits.
At 41, my only regret is never walking through a threshold of hippie beads before making love to a woman. Can U say eBay search?
I lost my little piggy in the Baden-Württemberg range. Has anyone seen it? (Black Forest joke)
One cool thing about autism is always knowing where the Smoky Joe BBQ grill is. It’s on the trampoline.
Tried to have a threesome with a guy named Dex. He just laid there like a stiff book.
I’m working on an elaborate joke about brevity.
Seems like every piece of sh*t has had an out-of-body experience.
Sometimes I wish that Old Yeller had just broken his arm while Pollyana had become rabid.
If you trim out all the scenes where Kevin Costner is posing in “Dances with Wolves”, it’s a 25 minute film.
If you wonder why I haven’t been at the swank parties lately, it’s because I ain’t shopping anything. “So…what do you do?” Me: “Laundry”.
I bet fat vampires are pretty happy about the whole “no reflection” phenomenon.
When I feel the need to have people think I’m smart, I tell them I understand 65% of Dennis Miller’s jokes.
Being married means you sometimes have to listen to Coldplay. For me, that’s the hardest pa-a-a-art.
I don’t know anyone who likes hot wax on their nipples but I’ll bet money that person likes to fry bacon with their shirt off.
To the guy that got a BJ on his BD…Happy Felated Birthday!
I think there might be a strong correlation between cooling your house with box fans and chilling out with box wine.
“Costco Warehouses are enormous. I’m proud to captain this team.” – Stock Manager James T. Kirkland
The Eagles were originally going to call the hit song, “Hotel California”, “Hotel Pangaea” but they didn’t want to date themselves.
Nice to wake up in your own bed. Exception: you’re a time traveller and you wake up with a snake-skinned freak named hduebnùacndj.
if I had a dollar for everytime I failed math class… This is a word problem, isn’t it? Fuck.
It’s good to laugh. Here is short list of some things and people (in no particular order) that have made me laugh and/or whose work I look forward to in the near future.
