Poor Sucker

Poor Sucker

by Alyssa Ball

I figured out why I don’t have any money.  A lot of you are probably thinking that it doesn’t seem like much of a mystery.

“Hey Alyssa, if you spend more than a year without working regularly, you typically end up with no money.”
Or maybe you are in the, “that’s what happens when you become a public school teacher, but insist on living in one of the most expensive areas in the nation” camp.
But if you think either of these is the reason I am broke, I think you are wrong.  I have discovered the true culprit.  It is bridesmaid dresses.  That’s right, bridesmaid dresses.

If you know me, you know I am a semi-professional bridesmaid.  But this is not a career with a lot of earning potential.  In fact, it falls instead into the pay to play category.  And pay I have.

I have walked down the aisle more often than Elizabeth Taylor.  The only difference is that at the end of the day, I don’t have a husband to show for it, just another overpriced dress I will never wear again.  But in reality the dresses are just the beginning, the very tippy-top of the proverbial iceberg.

I have spent money on matching shoes, expensive nylons, silky gloves, large barrettes, fancy handbags, earrings, necklaces, and bracelets, even particular under things, all at the bride’s request.  I have paid people to style my hair, to apply my makeup, to paint my fingernails and toenails, to fake tan my body.  The brides have convinced themselves that these treatments will not only “unify” the look of their attendants, but also be fun bonding activities.  I have attended, or more likely thrown, numerous engagement parties, bridal showers, and bachelorette parties.  And I have of course remembered to bring a thoughtful gift to each of these occasions.  I have complied with requests to rent limos, rent dj’s, and rent private rooms at favorite bars or restaurants.  I have traveled great distances and sprung for expensive accommodations in order to attend said engagement/bridal/bachelorette parties.  Then I have traveled all over again for the actual wedding and its accompanying festivities.

I recently did a bit of calculating and the number is astounding to a simple gal like me.  Let’s just say I apparently decided to go the bridesmaid route rather than buy a home.  I would approximate that in the last fifteen years I have spent well into the five digit arena on weddings I have been in, although none of them have been mine.

It has become obvious why I have no money to speak of.  I am considering throwing myself a party.  Let’s call it a Bridesmaid Payback, or something of that sort.  I will insist that all guests present me with an expensive gift from my registry.  I need to recoup my losses now that a know bridesmaid dresses are the root of all my financial woes.