Cougar Meat

Cougar Meat

by Alyssa Ball.

My friend is a cougar.

I’m not sure if I am using the right word here.

First of all, I guess friend probably isn’t all that accurate. Our relationship is based entirely on proximity and history. We went through school together and now we live in the same town, same neighborhood in fact, so we see each other around and occasionally socialize. We get along fine, but really don’t have a whole lot in common.

Maybe cougar isn’t the precise word either. I’m not totally clear on the criteria. She in no way reminds me of Courtney Cox, who seems to be the face of the American cougar. But we graduated from high school together in the late ‘80s and now most of her boyfriends are too young to buy us a drink. That seems cougarish to me.

But that really isn’t the point of the story. I just felt this background was necessary in order to explain my hesitation when she told me she wanted to fix me up with a friend. Knowing that she has a cougar’s taste in men while my taste is far less predatory, I wasn’t too interested. Truth is, I have no use for boyfriends who can’t buy me booze. But my hesitance was met with many reassurances of his age appropriateness and promises that he is a real catch.

So I asked my friend to tell me a little about this prospective suitor. She looked thoughtful, downright pensive, as if she was trying to come up with the one trait that would most capture his persona. And then it came to her.
And the cougar spoke.

“He has really nice six pack abs.”

Whhhaaaat?

I am not sure what to make of this. First of all, how is six pack abs a selling point for me? Already I know this is someone I won’t have a thing in common with. Show me a guy with a beer belly and at least I can be reassured we have a mutual interest.

Plus, it made me wonder about this guy. How can he know someone for years and the only part of him that makes an impression are his abdominal muscles? That does make his seem a bit vacuous. I wonder if he makes any sort of impact at those moments when his shirt is on.

But more than anything that moment allowed me to see through the eyes of a cougar. And the view was foreign to say the least.